I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
