quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
