I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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