apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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