At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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