I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
