she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
