My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
