I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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