i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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