I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
