Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
