I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
