look no pants
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When did we convert life to cartoon?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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