I didn't shave. On purpose
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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