I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
