forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize