Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
