we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Floor bacon is actually really good
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
