Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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