Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
