Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
