Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
