Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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