More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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