I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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