there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
