Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
