Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We need to get me chipped asap
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
