DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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