Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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