and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
