The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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