We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
