I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
