Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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