I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
