i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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