I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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