i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
