Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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