Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
