for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
