Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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