I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
