when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
