Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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