omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
