you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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