I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
