Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize