I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
