I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Barsexuality is the new black.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
