Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
