he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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