I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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