I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
